All I Ever Wanted
by nativechickeez
Summary: Finn searches for everything he's ever wanted but will he find it? And if he finds it, will he risk everything he has?   Not a Finchel story


A/N – There's not a whole lot I have to say about this fic, I was just chillaxing in my room, listening to music and the inspiration hit me, I hope you like it, I tried to make it as realistic as I could. A very big thanks to White Wolf Lady for her amazing beta-ing, she makes this story look much prettier than it actually is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee

He slowly walked up the stairs; he couldn't bring himself to move any faster. This was always the part of the day he dreaded, being in the same bed with her, laying beside her, touching her. He delayed those awful moments as long as he could.

It was worse when she waited for him, he hated seeing the pain in her eyes because even without saying it, they both knew that it was over; sure, he'd always love her but the part of him that did was buried so deep down inside it was almost lost and she knew it.

He looked up and saw he was almost at the top, 'Damn, halfway there' he thought.

He looked behind him at the stairs he'd already traveled up amazed that he'd been so lost in thought that his body had moved of its own accord. He hadn't meant to walk up the stairs so fast, he looked forward once more, determined to take his time to the door.

He sighed once he reached the door. He gripped the door knob in his hand and turned it slightly, still not ready to enter his own bedroom. 'My bedroom' it was like a foreign thought to him, that this was where he belonged. It was rather depressing to think that this was the moment his entire life led up to.

He opened the door and a sigh of relief escaped his lips as he seen Rachel curled up in bed, asleep. She hadn't waited for him tonight.

He walked inside the bedroom and quietly closed the door behind himself, careful not to wake her.

He stripped off his shirt and threw it into the laundry hamper; clothing was never to be left on the floor or to be worn two days in a row. His pants followed. He stood there in his underwear and undershirt, still reluctant to crawl into bed.

'The bathroom!' he thought. It was a brilliant plan of delay. He hadn't brushed his teeth yet. He made sure, just like he had all night that his movements and actions were deliberately slow. He ran the faucet, cold water only and he left the face cloth under the water until it was nearly freezing and then placed the dripping rag onto his neck. He wiped his face and left the bathroom.

He kept his eyes on Rachel's beautiful face as he walked towards his side of the bed. He crawled into bed and he turned to look at her, his hand moved of its own accord and gently stroke her cheek. Even after all these years her skin was still as soft as the first time he'd touched it. He turned off her bedside lamp and he took the book out of her hands. He glanced at the cover, 'Pride and Prejudice' then he put it into her drawer. He finally leaned forward and kissed her cheek, after all she was still his wife.

She stirred in her sleep and he froze, instantly regretting his actions.

His panic was for nothing though; she murmured in her sleep and fell back into a deep sleep.

"Rachel, I love you. But I don't want you anymore."

He rested his head against the head board. He felt like such a coward; what kind of man spoke that way to his wife while she slept? A smirk graced his lips – He was definitely the coward; maybe he wouldn't feel so bad if this was the first night he'd done this but this had been going on for nearly a year now.

Maybe he wouldn't feel so bad if she couldn't hear him. He never understood how she heard him but somehow his words seeped into her mind in her unconscious state and gave her nightmares.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, he kissed her cheek once more and turned onto his side, mentally preparing himself for another night without sleep.

Not long after he'd begun his night time "talks" with Rachel, he started having trouble sleeping as well. The house no longer felt like a home to him, he heard the click of the heater as the houses automatic heating system turned on, a low hum resonating through the house. He heard the light echo of the dripping tap which he supposed made sense since he didn't remember turning the tap all the way – she would probably be annoyed by that in the morning.

She was so bent on being energy efficient and all that stuff, it was all pointless to Finn – the world was going to hell anyway, so why draw out the inevitable?

'I shouldn't be so pessimistic,' he thought to himself, 'it only irritates Rachel.'

His eyes closed, vainly trying to rest. He heard the sounds of the trees outside scraping the house and tapping their bedroom windows. He growled in frustration and rolling onto his back he stared at the ceiling. Moments later he was on his opposite side facing Rachel's back.

A few minutes later he sat up frustrated and angry. He turned on his lamp and dug around in his drawer for his Vitamin D pills.

Rachel stirred behind him and murmured his name, he turned his head to look at her, surprised to find her awake.

He quickly but subtly closed his drawer, hoping she hadn't seen his pills. He turned towards her. "What's wrong beautiful? I didn't mean to wake you, I'm sorry if I did."

She frowned. "You didn't wake me Finn. I had another... dream. You left me and i was all alone and I felt so empty..." the guilt returned like a tidal wave. He was extremely grateful for his body's ability to move when his mind seemed frozen. It was as if it belonged to someone else.

His arms pulled her close to him and wrapped around her petite form, rocking her back and forth as she silently cried. Him leaving her was her biggest nightmare.

As his mind finally caught up to everything he brushed her bangs out of her face and kissed her lips. "I love you Rachel. I couldn't leave even if I wanted to. I'm your prisoner, bound to you forever."

They stayed in that position for what seemed like forever, finally she asked him, "Do you think I'll end up like Shelby?"

He frowned. "What do you mean 'like Shelby'?"

She looked at him, "I mean alone."

He pulled her close to him until she was nearly in his lap. "She's your mother Rachel, you share a genetic code with her but that's it. Anything else that you are is completely you." He held her for the rest of the night.

Shelby; that was another one of Rachel's fears. He knew deep down inside she was terrified of turning into her mother.

His fear was that he'd turn into his father. His mother, Carole, told everything that he'd died in the heat of battle during the war but it was a lie, the truth was that he left them. He was a coward and Finn was turning into him.

It was almost ironic how their fears seemed to be the same thing, in a way. It almost seemed like their separation was inevitable; was their fight to save their marriage futile?

He prayed it wasn't so. He wanted so badly for this to work and to bury both their fears for good.

The sun began its ascent over the horizon and somewhere in the night he'd convinced himself of the lie that his marriage wasn't ending, that he was happy – it'd been awhile since he'd slept that good.

When he woke up he opened his drawer and pulled out his pills. After staring at them for a few seconds he put them back. He wouldn't be needing them today.

He walked downstairs into the kitchen and found Rachel cooking breakfast. It wasn't something she did often. She'd given up on most of that family stuff when she found out she couldn't have children.

It was so easy to believe in how happy they'd be and how great life would be when they were young. They were foolish and they ignored all the warning signs that their marriage would fail and they pushed forward.

He sat down at the table. "Morning Rachel."

She smiled at him and poured him a glass of orange juice. "Morning Finn, are you hungry? I got eggs and bacon in the frying pan."

Her good mood was infectious and all his pessimistic thoughts disappeared to the back of his mind. They sat and ate for a little while enjoying each other's company before he had to get himself ready for work.

Not long after high school he returned to 'Sheets 'n' Things,' he could never remember his boss's name so he just referred to her as Mrs. Shue. She was quick to hire him back, saying something about how he reminded her of Mr. Shue. When she became manager, Finn got promoted to Assistant Manager so he never complained about her 'state of mind.'

It was good money. Craziness aside, Mrs. Shue was actually a pretty decent lady.

He had the closing shift so he ended up staying til nearly eleven, he didn't think that it would take long to close the store when he first began and it bothered him before but now he didn't mind it so much – it was an escape from home and in a few moments he'd be leaving for home again. His day was uneventful, just like it had been for the past few years.

If he didn't leave sooner or later he knew that this would be the rest of his life: this boring existence.

He got into his car and began his drive home on the familiar old road, watching as the street lights passed him by. The thought that this would be him fifty years from how drove him insane. He pulled over to the side of the road and got out of his car, stumbling into the bushes as he screamed. All the rage inside of him for the past, present and the dreary future was finally letting itself out. He screamed until his voice grew hoarse which didn't take long in the cold weather. He screamed till he couldn't breathe anymore, then he collapsed on the ground and just lay there staring into the night sky.

A buzzing in his pocket broke him out of his reverie. He grabbed his cell phone and saw Rachel's name on the caller ID. He let it ring and after a few minutes he called Kurt.

"Bonjour." He answered.

"Hey Kurt, it's me Finn. Listen, I need you to cover up for me, call Rachel and tell her I passed out at your place, 'kay?"

There was a pause then in a hesitant voice Kurt replied. "Finn, you know I can't stand Rachel and I'd be glad to lie to her any day but what's going on? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

He faked a laugh for Kurt's benefit. "Of course I'm not in trouble. I just need to get away is all, just for tonight. Can you do this for me?"

After his reassurances Kurt sounded bored. "Yeah, isn't that what step-brother's are for?" He could tell by Kurt's voice that he was disappointed that Finn's marriage wasn't on the rocks... or at least Finn didn't let on that it was. He swore Kurt lived on drama.

After that was all taken care of he got back into his car and drove to the next town over. He found a cheap room and tempted as he was he refused to go to the bar. Instead he searched for the Lopez's in the phone book. He needed to talk to Santana.

She was the other path he could've taken after high school, he needed to know if things would've been different. He also just wanted to see Santana again. He was still in love with her.

So why did it feel like he was a liar and a cheater? "If that's the case then it shouldn't matter if I sleep with her or not, I'm already lying." He thought to himself. It was messed up logic but it was all that he had at the moment.

Around one in the morning he got off the phone with Santana and clutched the paper with her address in his hand. He stared down at it. Was he really gonna do this? All reasonable thought told him he was just going to visit but deep down he knew he was going to betray Rachel – the temptation was just too great. 'I'm digging myself a hole, might as well make it deep' he thought and with that he drove to her house.

As he sat outside in the driveway he stared at the ring on his hand. He twisted it round and round expecting it to change his mind but it never did; so he took it off and with a disgusted sigh he hid it in the glove box, Santana didn't need to see it. He walked to her door and rang the doorbell. She answered in silky pajamas. His heart started racing as she grabbed his hand and took him to her bedroom.

He just lay there afterwards completely disgusted with himself. He'd just given Rachel grounds for a divorce. He turned his head and looked at the angel laying beside him and he felt nothing for her. No love, no hate, absolutely nothing and even though he didn't love Rachel he couldn't help but wish she was the one laying beside him right now. How could he possibly face her after this?

He closed his eyes as all the lied he'd whispered to Santana came back to him.

_He kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear, "I've never wanted anything as bad as I've wanted you," She smiled and traced her fingers along his jaw. "I'm yours"..._

He left before the sun came up. As he was driving back to his room he called Rachel and left her a message telling her he was sorry and that he loved her. He didn't tell her where he'd been or what he'd done, she didn't need to know that. After all that he still refused to go home to Rachel for at least another day, he was still to cowardly to face her, afraid of what he'd see in her eyes. Rejection. Anger. Hate. Logic told him he wouldn't find any of these in her because she didn't know but the fear was still there.

He loved her so much and he couldn't stand the thought of hurting her and making her nightmares a living hell. He shuddered at the monster he'd become.

He spent all of the next day in his room at the motel going over what he'd done until the images became seared into his brain.

That night he dreamt of Rachel. He dreamt of the time they were going to New York to pursue Rachel's dream; it was late and they were waiting for the last train. It was one of the last times Rachel tried to get pregnant. There was no one around and as soon as the train arrived the station was closed for the night.

_She took his hand in hers and pulled him to the darkest corner she could find and kissed him long and hard. He was shocked, it was so unlike Rachel._

_She whispered frantically in his ear, "Take me right now, Finn."_

_It was almost as if she was a different person altogether and it excited him. It was definitely the eyes that excited him most; they were so dark and alluring. He never wanted her as much as he did before..._

Or after that night.

He woke with a start. It was 7 am and it was time for him to go home. Rachel was waiting, his same boring, mundane life was waiting. He packed his things and left. As he drove he reflected upon the past two days and the shock as well as the novelty wore off, surprisingly the guilt vanished as well, it was like it never even happened.

He made it home at 9 and found her sitting on the steps outside the front door, the phone in her lap. He could tell she'd been crying. He got out of his car and walked towards her. She was staring off into the distance.

"Rachel?" he reached out to touch her and she shied away from his hand. He grabbed the phone before she noticed his movements and she finally looked at him; there were fresh tears in her eyes.

Without saying a word he knew that she knew, his heart started to pound in his ears and his fears were confirmed as he scrolled through the caller ID listings and found Santana's name. His heart faltered and he dropped the phone. He shuddered, not from the cold but because he knew this was the end. He was so consumed by his thoughts that he didn't even notice when Rachel went inside.

He walked inside and found her at the table with a cup of coffee. She stared at him and after a few minutes she broke the silence. "Don't you have anything to say for yourself?"

He spoke past the lump in his throat, "I'm sorry, I truly am." Her cup flew past him.

"Liar!"

He closed his eyes and sat down. She began to pace around the kitchen. "Did our wedding vows mean nothing to you? You made a promise to me!" She sobbed, "all you can say is you're sorry..."

He remembered his fears and realized that they just became true. He looked back through the years searching for any warning signs, any indication whatsoever that this would happen. Rachel's voice brought him back to the present, "You told me you'd always love me." She finally allowed him to wrap his arms around her. "I'm sorry I lied to you... about everything. I didn't mean to hurt you."

She looked at him with frightened eyes, "Is this the end?" All he could do was nod.

He let her cry then as he wiped her tears and kissed her. He poured all his emotions into that kiss and then he left. He never looked back.

I really hope you liked it. It was very fun to write, as I listened to the song "All I Ever Wanted" it was almost as if I could hear Finn telling me this story. I really tried to make it as realistic as I could. It was meant to be a songfic but it's been a struggle to get this typed out and I just can't bring myself to add the lyrics, sorry. It's a great song though. It's on youtube, it's by The Airborne Toxic Event in Disneyland I believe. And that's all folks. :P

Smileybug


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